Here you are again; unwelcome, uninvited, but yet, unavoidable. I can tell when you're coming back, my shoulders start to droop, I begin to slouch and my steps become more heavy. You're constantly in my thoughts telling me what I can't do, whispering that I'm not good enough and focusing my attention toward how I could never be smarter, prettier, better, stronger, faster, skinnier.  I've found you in my words, saying things like not enough, can't and never but worst of all, I found you in my feelings and in the pit of my stomach.



Admitting that you were a part of my life was hard, it still is. Who really wants to admit that there's something wrong in your head? An imbalance in your body. While there are some people who understand what you do to me, depression, there are still many people who have no idea. People like me, who struggle, hear things like; "it can't be that bad,"you can't be struggling that much" or "toughen up, princess" and it all becomes very hurtful. It never seems real that we are taking life side by side, depression, and no matter how often I say your name allowed or write it on a piece of paper it never seems to get any more real.

The truth is, I am suffering. The truth is, I don't know how to deal with you, depression. I recently sat in front of a doctor admitting that I couldn't cope, and begging for help. People don't understand that I am trying to do my best every day, while still fighting my hardest. Some days it gets so bad and I just want to give up fighting. Depression, you have changed me into a person that I don't like and sometimes loathe. You've ruined friendships. You've ruined relationships. None of these I can undo. I feel guilty for bothering people with my problems. To those I have burdened, I am deeply sorry - please forgive me, please don't hate me - without you here, I would have nothing to keep fighting for.  Please be patient, I am figuring myself out; I will find a way to pay your back for your kindness, love, support and care.

My worry is that what you're doing to me, depression, will never go away. I still have some way to go in accepting that you and I will be walking side by side through life. Will saying your name aloud take away your power and make me less alone? We've been through dark, black and terrifying moments together; we've been through moments that I didn't think we would get through and times where I thought it was the end. We've done this before and we can do it again. I will take deep breaths when I feel you rising to push you back down. I will keep trying and I will keep fighting. If we have to, lets hold hands and walk together. It's just you and me, depression. 

E