This is now a term I've adopted, to describe my life. Let me explain (vaguely) why... My lovely return readers know this, but I've been struggling with a bit of a life crisis recently that has caused me to somewhat shut off from reality and begin to question who I am. It mainly has to do with the fact that I've really never been single (since I began dating) and therefore only know myself as part of a pair. Being solo is a concept crazy to understand. It's an extremely odd, and indescribable, feeling to try and put into words but I'm sure some of you will understand where I'm coming from. So, I've been doing what I know best... Drinking in excessive amounts to hide my emotions. I know I mentioned that my 'not an official New Year's resolution because I never stick to them' thing was to reduce drinking, and surprisingly I have. It wasn't necessarily for the reason that I used to drink excessively (all though I kind of did) but more for health/weight loss reasons. And I have been sticking to that. But sometimes, you just got to break the rules...

My survival mode has consisted of a lot of similar factors to my hermit mode ;) Staying in bed for far too long, watching too many seasons/series on Netflix, drinking endless bottles of wine and just being one big emotional wreck. So this means: not socialising because I would much prefer to not have to face other people (and their judgements), having the very select group of friends (that I love so much) on standby for my annoying texts when I need them most and just generally being a less happy person. But, I'm slowly getting to the end of this stage! I'm currently in training to hike to base camp of Mt Everest, which is forcing me to get out of the house and actually think about what I'm putting in my body. Sigh. I've been doing small things, this weekend I have a 10km race and I have a marathon planned for a month or so away. I'm interspersing with 15km runs twice a week and strength training - so at least I leave the house for a few hours every day! Aside from that, I've definitely been listening to the "Break Up Songs" playlist's on Spotify...

I'm not here to give advice about this subject, mainly because I'm not very good at it, but I want to express some of the realisations that I have come to in the past few weeks. Learn to be human and feel the pain - ask my close friends, I rarely allow myself to actually feel and express emotions (I'm becoming better at this) and I am currently in the learning stages of being okay with sharing and feeling emotions. Normally I will bottle everything up inside, until one day I just have an uncontrollable panic attack and my body forgets how to function. Learning to talk to someone -
this is another one that's taken me a little while to be able to comprehend and act upon but I've now learnt who my friends are that I completely and utterly trust (with my life) and know that they not only have my best interest at heart, but also they are 100% there for me without judgement. Those are the people you need to keep around in your life! Learning that sleeping with somebody else isn't necessarily going to make things any better - do I need to elaborate? Learning to love myself - this is going to be an on-going (probably for the rest of my life) kind of thing but I need to be easier on myself. Allowing myself to not take the blame for everything and allowing myself to feel as ease over particular situations/conversations/decisions. Vague enough?

Vent over.