Dear Lovely Readers,
   As I'm sure a lot of you are aware, I'm currently facing some pretty shit life decisions at the moment and am attempting to "fix" myself so that I am prepared to face my future. Because of this, I am showing more and more signs of anxiety. I have been quite an anxious person since early high school but in the last year or so it has become more overwhelming, and I believe changed my personality. When I say changed my personality, I don't mean for the better. In 2013, I found who I really was and I realised that it's okay to be me - "me" is a mix of introvert, but extremely loud and comfortable when around my closest friends. I was happy with who I was and I was proud to be the person I was. In recent times, the manifestation of anxiety in my body, I believe, has changed my personality. It's made me a much more "on edge" person, a worried person, a shy person and uncomfortable person. A person I don't like. I am more nervous in a social situation than I have ever been before. I have constant depressive thoughts. Excessive irritability. Constant worrying... This list could go on. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 2 years now and have increased my visits to attempt to overcome these feelings and emotions. It's a constant, back-and-forth battle between my brain and my heart that I must sort out. I hate going to sleep at night, because I hate knowing that when I wake up the next morning my problems will still be there. I had a night this week where my hands shook uncontrollably, heart raced (what felt like) faster than it ever it and I felt hyper-awake. I was on edge and I felt like I had absolutely no control over my own body - something I'd never felt before. I've become more anti-social than I was before and have started shutting out my best friends because I don't want to have to face anyone anymore. At this point, my anxiety and depression are interfering with my relationships, work, uni, but also my physical health. You'd think talking about it with a professional would help, but for some reason it just makes me feel less in control. I take medication daily to "control" my anxiety but it's beginning to fail at it's job. We all deserve to live a happy and worry-free life, I know this but my brain is struggling to compute.
I will try my best to have scheduled uploads, but if there is a day that I miss an upload, please know I am trying my hardest to overcome a few hurdles and am trying to get back on my feet.
I know you'll understand, and thank you so much!

Tuesday, April 26th, was the day of yet another shitty panic attack. It wasn't a necessarily bad day; Anemice stayed over the night before so we spent the morning laying in bed and catching up on Grey's Anatomy, I had a 12 o'clock creative writing lecture - a class I actually enjoy - followed by cards with friends at our favourite cafe. This was probably around the time of the onset of the panic attack... Sigh. For some stupid reason I just began feeling very anxious and overwhelmed about half way through our card games. It was definitely a feeling that I'm quite used to, but nonetheless not one that I'm fond of. Being an emotion/feeling that I am quite aware of, I know exactly how to react to it - ignore it, take my mind off of it with other things and just pretend it isn't there. This worked, briefly. By this point it was time to leave the cafe and head back to uni for my 5pm tutorial. Tuesday at 4pm is when I went completely downhill... I began shutting down. Again, this is a normal emotion/feeling that I've just learnt to deal with. When in public, I have had to learn to put on some kind of a 'brave face' and pretend that nothing is wrong, there's nothing stressful or panic-y going on in my mind and that I'm just the regular, happy Emma from about 2 years ago. I've realised this past year or so has been a very emotion-filled time in my life and that's definitely a mixture of quite a few things that have happened in my life - moving out of home, falling in love, feeling heartbroken, finding myself, more heartbreak; this list could go on. I have definitely considered taking a break from blogging while this was all going on but I know that some of my lovely readers struggle with similar things and this is somewhat helpful; also, it's been my outlet and I place I come to vent and rant when I don't want to bother my friends with the stupid life decisions that I have made that result in me being in this current rut... So back to uni I went and I just felt like I had to remove myself from being with my friends while I attempted to recover - I found myself a nice shady tree and sat under it while beginning this blog post and having a heartfelt, crying phone conversation with Meg. Meg's my person you know - the person who I don't mind (well, sometimes I do mind and in which case you just get more posts of me ranting) bothering for a quick (sometimes hour long) phone call, back and forth texts or sharing of inspirational quotes on Pinterest when I need her most. So that's where I was - crying on the grass, under a tree, on a late Tuesday afternoon waiting for my tutorial to begin. Sad, right?! Ah well, this will all past and once it has I'll just be glad that I've not only gotten through this shitty patch, but also been able to help out some of you!

As for right now, I'm sitting in the creative writing tutorial - in allocated 'assignment writing time' - wishing I was at home, with a large cup of tea, covered in blankets and a piece of chocolate in hand. One can dream...

I'll be okay soon; for right now I'll just be the melodramatic 18-year-old who is struggling to find her place. Much love,

Not a lot of photos were taken this week - my apologies... It's been a mixture of assignments being due, emotions being high and my schedule being jam-packed all week! I didn't really think this post was worth uploading, but... here it is. Again, my apologies for the lack of content!

Hopefully next week will be more exciting!!! I hope you've all enjoyed your week!

I've finally come to a decision on my new blogging schedule; there will still be posts up on Monday's, Thursday's and Saturday's, but some of the content is going to change.

Monday: will remain The Weekly Bit; 
Thursday: will be a mixture between travel posts, university survival guides (from my perspective), book/movie reviews and the occasional get ready with me style posts;
Saturday: will now be Miscellaneous posts about rants, raves, vents, etc.

Thank you all so much for the support throughout my shitty year so far! You're all incredible and I don't give you enough credit.

April 20th, 2016 - the most Monday feeling Wednesday I've had in a long time. I'm not sure what exactly it was that had this perfectly fine Wednesday feeling like a Monday, but it just did.

For me, most Monday's are fairly simple and easygoing. I have the day off from uni so I usually allow myself a little lie in and then answer emails and catch up on the blogging world from the comfort of my bed before having to face the real world, somewhere around lunchtime. Meaning that, I normally skip the whole 'I hate Monday' thing. Not this week, my friends. Nope. Today, Wednesday April 20th, felt like such a Monday. It's 10pm, I've just come home from a somewhat action filled day and an evening of debating. I'm tucked in bed with a soothing face mask and a giant glass of ice cold water to prepare me for bed - but I'm kind of wishing it was a glass of red wine, I'd even settle for white wine. I'm just feeling a little down. You know? It's no secret that I've kind of been faced with a bunch of shitty things recently, but as normal I let them bunch up until I get overly anxious, have some level of panic attack and result in hiding under the blankets on my bed. That's how I felt for most of today. Let me explain. This morning was quite chilled, I woke up early and went for a hike up a nearby mountain. Came home, showered, had avocado and feta on toast while working on a few assignments. Submitted an assignment 2 days early so I was feeling quite pleased with myself... Had a long-ish, and quite funny, phone call with Holly. Got ready for my day, and faced quite a challenging phone call (not going into it - sorry for the vague-ness) on my way to see Anemice. From this point I had to put on a happy face and pretend I didn't receive that phone call for the rest of the day, with in lingering on the back of my mind. Sigh. Anemice and I went down to the beach for iced coffees and lunch (I had an acai bowl and Anemice had sushi). Then yet another challenging thing - a text from someone (again, vague-ness)... Ugh. Uni for an hour took my brain off everything. A mini cry/breakdown in the car on my way to pick up my year 10 debating team from my old school and then we drove the 40 minute drive to our debate for the evening!! These girls are hilarious and totally took my mind off of everything! Following this I had another of my crying breakdowns in the car. Now I'm here, in bed, comfy and definitely ready for sleep!

Tomorrow I've got 2 appointments in the morning and then, hopefully, the afternoon with Anemice. But tomorrow's another day and for now I'm going to switch off my brain, watch Grey's Anatomy and try to sleep!

I hope you are having a better week than I am!

This week was honestly amazing!! It did feel like it dragged on forever, but I wasn't upset because most of the week I got to spend with my best friends and it's normally quite difficult to get all of us together all the time!

I hope you all had a fabulous week!! xoxo

Oh look, another post that I'm pretending I know all about; I haven't got the whole 'being comfortable in your own skin' thing down pat yet, but I'm certainly trying. I promise, I'm trying...

I've begun wearing things, just because I want to and I feel like it. Until very, very recently I was wearing clothes based on a few things - fashion trends, what people expect people of my size to wear, what I thought I should be wearing. Fuck them. Fuck people who tell you what to wear! Wear whatever you want! (Within some kind of reason, please don't wear a bikini [and nothing else] to uni - or I mean, do it; fuck the system).

I've begun feeling okay leaving the house with little to no makeup. But then again, there are some days when I'm doing very little and want to wear a full face of makeup! You do you. If you want to go into uni or work without makeup - do it! If you want to go grocery shopping in a full makeup with lipstick and fake eyelashes and a completely highlighted and contoured face, that's totally cool too!

I've begun not caring what other people think about me and leaving people to have their own opinions of me. People are entitled to their own opinions, I'm currently expressing mine right now - for example. You can agree with it, or disagree with it but it shouldn't interfere with how you personally feel. Nobody should ever have control over your emotions...

I know it's easier said than done, but don't sweat the small stuff. Totally embrace current trends, fashion pieces, etc., but only if you truly love it and will wear it because you really want too, not because some stupid magazine or person you know told you that you should be wearing it.

This is now a term I've adopted, to describe my life. Let me explain (vaguely) why... My lovely return readers know this, but I've been struggling with a bit of a life crisis recently that has caused me to somewhat shut off from reality and begin to question who I am. It mainly has to do with the fact that I've really never been single (since I began dating) and therefore only know myself as part of a pair. Being solo is a concept crazy to understand. It's an extremely odd, and indescribable, feeling to try and put into words but I'm sure some of you will understand where I'm coming from. So, I've been doing what I know best... Drinking in excessive amounts to hide my emotions. I know I mentioned that my 'not an official New Year's resolution because I never stick to them' thing was to reduce drinking, and surprisingly I have. It wasn't necessarily for the reason that I used to drink excessively (all though I kind of did) but more for health/weight loss reasons. And I have been sticking to that. But sometimes, you just got to break the rules...

My survival mode has consisted of a lot of similar factors to my hermit mode ;) Staying in bed for far too long, watching too many seasons/series on Netflix, drinking endless bottles of wine and just being one big emotional wreck. So this means: not socialising because I would much prefer to not have to face other people (and their judgements), having the very select group of friends (that I love so much) on standby for my annoying texts when I need them most and just generally being a less happy person. But, I'm slowly getting to the end of this stage! I'm currently in training to hike to base camp of Mt Everest, which is forcing me to get out of the house and actually think about what I'm putting in my body. Sigh. I've been doing small things, this weekend I have a 10km race and I have a marathon planned for a month or so away. I'm interspersing with 15km runs twice a week and strength training - so at least I leave the house for a few hours every day! Aside from that, I've definitely been listening to the "Break Up Songs" playlist's on Spotify...

I'm not here to give advice about this subject, mainly because I'm not very good at it, but I want to express some of the realisations that I have come to in the past few weeks. Learn to be human and feel the pain - ask my close friends, I rarely allow myself to actually feel and express emotions (I'm becoming better at this) and I am currently in the learning stages of being okay with sharing and feeling emotions. Normally I will bottle everything up inside, until one day I just have an uncontrollable panic attack and my body forgets how to function. Learning to talk to someone -
this is another one that's taken me a little while to be able to comprehend and act upon but I've now learnt who my friends are that I completely and utterly trust (with my life) and know that they not only have my best interest at heart, but also they are 100% there for me without judgement. Those are the people you need to keep around in your life! Learning that sleeping with somebody else isn't necessarily going to make things any better - do I need to elaborate? Learning to love myself - this is going to be an on-going (probably for the rest of my life) kind of thing but I need to be easier on myself. Allowing myself to not take the blame for everything and allowing myself to feel as ease over particular situations/conversations/decisions. Vague enough?

Vent over.

She's put up with my many, AND I MEAN MANY, different hair styles and colours;

Here are many photos of the two of us together! (I've tried to put the photos in chronological order!) And there will definitely be more of these amazing memories to come! Thanks for always being my super cool friend who is there through thick, thin and everything in between!!!! Anemice, you're the greatest!

I suck at sleeping. Once I'm actually asleep, I'm fine - but it's getting to that part that I usually struggle with. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm a quite anxious person; you've realised that by now, right? I've had anxiety problems since I was about 13 or 14, and I've had sleeping problems since I was about 13 or 14 - so, I just put two and two together... I constantly lie awake worrying. It's extremely difficult, more so recently, for me to turn off my emotions and thoughts as I try to go to sleep. I read something, somewhere, that there's a connection between being anxious and being intelligent... I have never, and probably will never, consider myself anywhere in the spectrum of 'intelligent', so I'm not sure if that theory is entirely true. But basically it said that the smarter you are, the more aware you are of the scary things in the world and the more anxious you become. I don't know. It does make sense, but I'm the exception. Another thing I've put my insomnia down to is the crazy amount of sugar I eat before bed. Not so much anymore, because I'm half on the healthy bandwagon and so I've been cutting sugar out of my diet whenever I can, but I used to eat a shit ton of red frog lollies while I wrote just before bed and then couldn't sleep for hours after...

This was such a short post, but I underestimated myself. I underestimated how I was feeling and how I was doing. Maybe one day I'll do a vague post explaining, but for right now I think time (and 'hermit' mode) is all that will help.

I love you all and thank you to those of you who have sent such beautiful, caring emails! It means the world to me and I will never be able to express just how grateful I am for you all!

I hope you all had a sensational week, I had a pretty quiet beginning to the week and spent the end of the week in Hobart!!!!

I'm currently in Hobart, Tasmania and therefore this is another scheduled in advance post!! I didn't feel up to writing anything too substantial or thought provoking, so here are a few of my weird habits or strange facts/things that I do/bother me that I thought I'd share with you!!