[Apologies if this doesn't make sense or the sentences don't flow or it is just one big, irrelevant ramble - because chances are, it probably will be a combination of all 3 of those. I'm currently babysitting Clark and Aila and am sat (extremely comfortably) at Meg's dining table while the (adorable)  kids sleep, and am feeling completely at peace with myself, so I thought when better to ramble about my feelings/relationship with anxiety. I have come to realise that although I need to collect my thoughts. I need somewhere to reflect upon these thoughts and decide which are 'worthy' of keeping… Still haven't found that place - will keep you posted :D ]

I stumbled upon a post on Tumblr the other day that I related with immediately and I wanted to share not only the quote with you, but my honest thoughts and opinions on the matter with you. You've probably guessed by now (perhaps due to the title) that this post is going to be about anxiety… 

So here's what the post said: 

I can't knock on a door, or ask for extra napkins. I can't call you and ask you how you are, I can't raise my hand without the fear of being wrong, I can't hang out with new people. I can't live my life. It's like being in a cage that's unlocked, I can get out but I've trapped myself. It's like wanting to have friends but can't hangout. It's like suffocating but you're still breathing. It's not a way to live, it's a way to die. 

- Unknown Author

Here's what I want to say on this topic. I fully, 100% agree with the above quote for numerous reasons. For me personally, anxiety is quite a debilitating feeling and constantly making my mind feel heavy and like something isn't right - and there are definitely times when I don't know what that something is. It makes me feel like I have a tight knot in my stomach that lacks ability to be untwisted. Like my mind is working overtime and on fire as I overanalyse and overthink every single, irrelevant thing. There are times when I feel completely restless and distracted and others when I feel detached and am left mind blank. As if, somehow, I have dissociated with my own body. Usually when I'm feeling anxious, the reality is that everything is okay, but there is always that voice in the back of my mind telling me there's something wrong. It makes the simple and mundane everyday tasks incredibly difficult. I toss and turn most nights because there's a lightbulb that comes on in my mind at the most inconvenient times and refuses to switch off. As I struggle to fall asleep in the early hours of each morning, my body weighs me down and is exhausted, while my mind is still racing (faster than ever) and I am left feeling wide awake. In those moments, my brain does this crazy weird thing (that I'm sure a lot of you can understand) where I overanalyse and agonise over every specific detail from that day. Did I say something to offend someone? Should I have sent that last text to my friend? Am I being to clingy? Am I being to distant? Am I showing enough sympathy/empathy? Am I being a decent friend? Should I have liked that person's Facebook post? Everything… Every detail, repeated through my head for my own personal scrutiny. I constantly feel lied to by my anxiety. It tells me to focus on, and analyse, the insignificant aspects of my life. The aspects that I'm sure the person I texted back or liked their Facebook post doesn't even think twice about. I've learnt that I need to resist it, fight it and make sure I don't let it win! I need to listen to the irrational worries and concerns, let it rant and rave and panic and cry and let it overthink. But then I need to choose what I do and don't take away from that. Is sending another text to that person really going to affect anything in the long run?! It's my turn to choose what to listen to and what to keep stored in my mind. Once I realised that these thoughts don't define me and are only a small fraction of my mind I slowly started realising small things I could do to control these thoughts. 

Rant over.