That's how long it took, living away from home, for me to have such a nervous breakdown that I ended up in hospital. 42 days of angst, anxiety, stress eating and self-loathing. I've thought about this quite intensely and I really don't know what the final moment was that set it all off but what I do know was that in day leading up to this (ill-feeling) panic attack my whole body just felt off. For anyone that has regular panic attacks, you know your warning signs. For me, it's hardcore hyperventilating followed by unexplainable tears. And that's exactly what happened the other morning. 

But you know what hurts the most? The fact that through all of this, I haven't felt comfortable enough within myself to express how I'm feeling, confide in someone else fully and seek help. Yeah, I've called one friend in particular when I needed some kind of guidance or a shoulder to cry on but I hate that feeling of unloading your problems onto someone else. It's not their problem. I'm not their problem. That's something I hate myself for. 

I'm not one to read or follow horoscopes, in fact the only time I ever read them is on the Cosmopolitan Magazine Snapchat that updates every night. But earlier this week I saw it and it really caught my attention and I'm going to analyse it here. I'm a leo. My "horoscope" (it's in brackets because I don't know if I believe it, or anything to do with horoscope and planet alignment or anything but find it sort of interesting) stated that: "this is a big week for you Leo! You have accomplished some pretty major goals in the past year" - graduating high school, finishing and publishing EO, moving out of home, moving interstate, turning 18, etc. - "But on Tuesday it's time to say 'thanks for the memories' and move on" - panic attack, deciding to lay low for a while - "don't commit to anything of Wednesday since there is more to the story than meets the eye" - I'll get into that another day but there were some big-ish decisions that I faced on Wednesday - "Thursday is a fabulous day for travel or school projects" - again, another post will explain this - "The new moon in your sign on Friday will help you set a new goal that you can manifest in the upcoming year!" - I made up my mind on where I want to be, what I want to do and where I see myself in the years to come. Now, I don't follow these horoscopes religiously and I'm not sure if it's just because I'm reading WAY to deep into this particular one but it just seemed to sit perfectly with my week, which I thought was kind of eery!!!!

I'm going to lay low for a while. I'm really not feeling like my old self. You know, early-city-living-self; earlier this year. I will still be uploading Monday, Thursday and Saturday and hey, who knows I may start uploading those vlogs I've been promising for months. But in my actual real life (non-internet) I've been instructed to have a lot of rest and stay in calming situations. 

Stick around, yeh?
XO