Whinging Wednesday.
Wednesday, May 06, 2015(Let's take a moment to appreciate my love of alliteration)
Another day, another panic attack. They're becoming more frequent these days. And yes, I am extremely aware that of late the topic of panic attacks has been more and more frequent but that's because they have become more prevalent in my life. The number one trigger of my panic attacks is stress, making it difficult to maintain as feel 'stressed' very easily. See, the thing is, for the past three or so months I have had a few possible situations that could be the reason for these panic attacks; however I can't exactly pin point the cause and I can't remove all situations easily from my life. Here's where the whinging comes into the post. I know I rarely go into detail about certain life aspects but I finally feel comfortable expressing how I feel into one post. Who knows, I may decide in the future that this is too uncomfortable for the Internet and I may delete it - but while I'm in this mood of sharing (I think I'm in this content mood because I have a piece of Bailey's flavoured fudge in my hand and I'm laying by the pool) it's being uploaded.
I hope you forgive me and still continue to read UnorthodoxSimplicity.
Love you all and thank you for your support.
Alright, so I've mentioned this six months (or so) ago my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up. It ended quite abruptly but after a weekend of red wine and lounging around in lingerie watching endless episodes of FRIENDS I felt fine. Deep down, I'm still not fine now. Ask anyone I'm close to and they will tell you that I am not very good at expressing my emotions/feelings so I am either a completely cold-hearted bitch or an emotional wreck. I haven't been quite able to comprehend how exactly this break up has affected me but I know that I'm still not 100% over it yet and I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. So, 5 months ago I met a boy. His name is Josh. We're in a weird place at the moment. I'm moving and we don't think long distance will work so for right now we're just taking it day by day and not thinking too much about the future; it's a very weird concept. I'm not comfortable with not having any plans. Josh is incredibly lovely and caring and thoughtful and genuine and romantic and spontaneous but I feel somewhat guilty for spending the next few months with him and then leaving. That's a completely other story.
Since moving out I my alcohol consumption has severely increased. I used to drink maybe once a month - it was always in a social situation. However, since moving out there is no one or nothing stopping me from having a glass or two of wine with dinner or a vodka lemonade while taking a bath. Sadly, I can admit to drinking at least 5 nights a week these days. This past weekend, I drank on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I didn't let myself take a break and I still (being Wednesday) feel disgusting; not just physically but mentally. The fact that I've let myself get to this point where I literally do not care about my alcohol consumption is unacceptable. I know it is. I wrote a post recently about how I was going to reduce the amount of alcohol I was drinking - how's that going?!? On Sunday night, I dropped an entire (unopened) bottle of champagne on my kitchen floor and cried about it. That wasn't entirely because I was looking forward to having a glass of champagne but more that it was just another thing to add to my already shitty night and it was my way of letting my emotions out. I think the reason let myself drink is so I get to the point where I feel relaxed and no longer stressed about what is happening around me. It soothes me. It's relaxing.
University is adding a lot of stress at the moment. Mainly because I'm not giving it as much attention as I probably should be. I don't feel like I am old enough to be given this much responsibility for my learning. I'm still in the mindset that I need someone to tell me to hand in a draft and give me plenty of notice for an assignment being due but instead it's no drafts and very short notice for an assignment. It's terrifying. And then, mix that with the freedom of living alone and away from your parents so you have full control of what you are doing each and every day and night. Thankfully, I have a job so I am controlled in the aspect of time, but I suck at scheduling and never spend much time at home alone, sitting down doing assignments. I mean, you're only young once so why shouldn't I be taking advantage of it. I'm going to see what my marks are like overall at the end of this semester as to whether or not I will take the semester off and work and then restart my course in 2016. I'm doing a Bachelor of Arts and I feel like I'm just not ready to be choosing subjects and a course to determine the rest of my life. I need someone to tell me what to do for just a little bit longer until I mature enough, I'm just not there yet.
As most of you would be aware, in a few weeks I will be making the big move. This means moving a 3 hour flight away from everything I've grown up with. I've spoken about this in quite depth recently so I'm not going to go into super detail about moving away. My apartment is an absolute mess at the moment and I don't have an exact moving out date. I'm not driving my car (and the majority of my stuff down) until the 1st of July so I need to keep things in the apartment until then, but I have been told by my real estate agent that they may give me a weeks notice. Meaning I would need to find temporary (a month or so) accommodation very quickly. Again, adding to my stress and increasing my panic attacks.
As most of you would be aware, in a few weeks I will be making the big move. This means moving a 3 hour flight away from everything I've grown up with. I've spoken about this in quite depth recently so I'm not going to go into super detail about moving away. My apartment is an absolute mess at the moment and I don't have an exact moving out date. I'm not driving my car (and the majority of my stuff down) until the 1st of July so I need to keep things in the apartment until then, but I have been told by my real estate agent that they may give me a weeks notice. Meaning I would need to find temporary (a month or so) accommodation very quickly. Again, adding to my stress and increasing my panic attacks.
It's a very weird concept to think about that I won't just be able to text a friend for a coffee and see them an hour or so later. My life will need to be very planned; when I'm flying up, who I am seeing and when I am seeing them in a very short time frame. I'm very much a quality over quantity person but I enjoy spending a lot of time with my best friends. I have 5 friends that I can truly trust with my life, I need to spend quality time with them and see them often. It's a weird thing I know, but I need the comfort of my close friends around me. This comes back to me having an unstable emotional part of myself but I connect to people very strongly if I relate to and trust them. Friends are more important in my life than family and it's quite an unexplainable feeling. Anyway, the thought of having to leave people like Meg and Anemice (I've spoken about them in previous posts if you don't know who they are) is going to be incredibly difficult.
Speaking of close friends, since leaving high school I have also become very distant from people who I was extremely close with. This is, again, something I find very hard to comprehend. My friends are very important to me and I don't let people into my life very easily but when I do it takes a lot of time and we remain friends for years and years. So, the fact that a simple act of leaving high school has meant that friends and I have lost contact is odd. The only thing is, I hope this doesn't happen when I move with my close friends or I am going to be more of an emotional wreck.
I realise that this post is probably my longest but here's the last aspect.
Blogging. To maintain a blog is a lot harder than I ever imagined. It began as a hobby, something anonymous, something just for me. {Warning: first world problems} But once my blog gained followers it became less of a 'blog when you want' to 'have a blogging schedule to maintain and gain followers'.
And so the stress of boy drama, university, being unable to say no to alcohol, moving, leaving my friends and keeping up with my blog I have been having extremely frequent panic attacks. This is why I still haven't been sticking to a blogging schedule, I just haven't felt like the content I wrote was worthy of you, the readers, time. I have written about 15 blog posts that have either been deleted or saved in drafts for a time when I feel they can be edited and uploaded.
Blogging. To maintain a blog is a lot harder than I ever imagined. It began as a hobby, something anonymous, something just for me. {Warning: first world problems} But once my blog gained followers it became less of a 'blog when you want' to 'have a blogging schedule to maintain and gain followers'.
And so the stress of boy drama, university, being unable to say no to alcohol, moving, leaving my friends and keeping up with my blog I have been having extremely frequent panic attacks. This is why I still haven't been sticking to a blogging schedule, I just haven't felt like the content I wrote was worthy of you, the readers, time. I have written about 15 blog posts that have either been deleted or saved in drafts for a time when I feel they can be edited and uploaded.
I hope you forgive me and still continue to read UnorthodoxSimplicity.
Love you all and thank you for your support.
XX
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