To say that I haven't changed and grown, as a person, over the past few months would be a lie. I have become happier, more confident, stronger in my faith and more driven. I put this down to my boyfriend. I've been in relationships before, but never like this. However, because of previous failures, I didn't step into this relationship lightly. This relationship has shown me the scars that my past produced and I feel as though I have to explain and justify my actions.

Things like, how quickly I can reply to a text, and not because I'm sat bored by my phone, but because I've grown tired of waiting for others to mess me around. I worry as much as I do because I replay my past and see where I went wrong. I say exactly how I'm feeling because I don't want to be lead astray. I am afraid of trust because I see the scars it's left before. I lack confidence because I've seen how prettier, or thinner, or better girls have ruined my previous relationships. It's not that I'm fishing for compliments, it's a process of learning to love myself. How when I get told that he thinks I'm beautiful, I'm still trying to believe it. Despite my appreciation, I fear a man paying for me because it has been used against me in the past. How the gestures of buying me flowers or picking up a bottle of wine mean the world to me and I could never express my gratitude. That I've had to learn to forgive myself for my own peace of mind and sanity because I fear failure.

It's hard not to be paranoid as fuck. It's hard to let yourself fall in love. But I've met the man of my dreams. A man who is kind, gentle, keeps their word, listens, remembers, loves; a man who isn't ashamed of me. Someone who feels comfortable letting down their guard and being their true self. A man I feel safe around. And safe is never a word I've used when referring to a relationship.

I'm not sure if any of you were able to relate, these were just some late night thoughts I need to get out of my head.

much love, 
XO