I'm not going to lie to you... As I write this, it's 7.38pm on a Saturday evening and I'm tucked up in bed listening to the heavy rain and thunder/lightning storm outside - an incredibly relaxing and marvellous feeling, might I add. But possibly a little tragic. I just finished watching the Snapchat stories of my friends who are pre-drinking before going out tonight, socialising with friends, or out at a nearby music festival that I was supposed to go to but decided that staying in bed was a better option. Typical. My only plans for the rest of the evening are to finish the book I'm currently reading, and getting some well-needed rest.


Please excuse any possible conjoined words in this post, if my week couldn't get any more chaotic and tense, I spilled tea on my keyboard and the spacebar now has a mind of its own - I'll try my best. As aforementioned in recent posts, my vision for this blog is to become more like something I would say to a friend (I believe 'mature and grown up' is how I phrased it) - meaning more swearing (sorry), more personal anecdotes and even some posts just like this - random thoughts to clear my mind and allow me to fall asleep more easily. Some of you will understand... I hope. I had scheduled my next few months to ensure all assignments would be completed before the due date, posts would be pre-scheduled for my blog and (most importantly) that by the day the Gilmore Girls specials come out, I would have finished re-watching the series. Let's just say, I'm now way ahead of schedule in watching Gilmore Girls. And not in the other two.


Today has been a tough day for me, personally, with a lot of thoughts on my mind and I've been doing a bunch of thinking. For the most part, I stayed pretty MIA (with the exception of one forced social interaction) but that's my plan for the rest of the weekend and into next week. Hopefully, this will be the end of these horrible days - but who knows?! Anyway, I guess I have a little plan. And in true form, by posting about it online I will feel more obliged to complete said plan. Now, this is probably very ambitious of me and a little naive. But what the fuck else are teenagers if not a little ambitious and a lot naive?! I guess this is me setting myself a goal. *Sigh* By the time I turn 20, or at least early into my 20s. I would like to try and discover who I am. And as I embark on this ever so futile endeavour, I thought what an excellent idea to blog it. I can't be the only one trying to figure out who I am, right?! At the ripe age of 19, I have a very short list of who I am known as; currently, I am a daughter, a friend, and a boss. Over the next 11 months, or so, I would like to (attempt) to discover the depth of what those words mean and to possibly expand on the list. I understand that this journey will be tough and long, but in order to fulfill the best life possible, I believe it is important to understand the depth of myself. I find that the older I am getting, the less time that I can spare on myself rather than university assignments or work commitments. 

Currently, I feel a little like a duck. I appear (for the most part) calm to everyone around me, but I am struggling out of sight. Probably the biggest cliche I've used in my life. It gets the point across though right?!? I feel like in the past 18 months, or so, I have become someone who in real life suppresses my emotions, thoughts and feelings to ensure I don't bother or annoy those around me - with the exception of my best friend, and usually you guys (my lovely readers). I tend to stay fairly vague online and avoid any detrimental details, but that's because I don't want to look back on this (or even worse, people I know) and find out personal information that at this naive age didn't think could be used against me. And while I will still remain that way, I vow to myself to become more of an open person and to not let things bottle up as easily inside me. I've mentioned this before, but I have a habit of letting everything bottle up and then go completely MIA or have a panic (or anxiety) attack while feeling completely overwhelmed and like I'm going to drown. Anway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to figure out who I really am. Not any superficial crap - but the things that make me genuinely happy, what makes me upset, how to succeed in my own life, etc.

So, in the wise words of the High School Musical Cast - "we're all in this together". I know I'm not alone on this journey, and neither are you.

Goodnight, XO