Bullying
Wednesday, January 28, 2015Okay, this is going to be another personal one. I feel like I know of need to justify myself and explain everything about my life experiences to justify why I'm who I am.
The title says it all really, I (like most people) have had an experience with bullying. This post kind of continues on from yesterday's post about confidence and is (probably) the main reason I lack confidence. From grade 5 onwards I was quite severely bullied. It wasn't for any particular reason except that I was different to everyone else. I was chubbier than everyone else, I was interested in different things and to be completely honest, it was mainly because I wasn't overly focused on my appearance. I had the worst eyebrows in history. Wasn't the smallest girl. Never wore make up. Hung around with pretty much no one. I went to school to learn, not to base everything on what I looked like. Mind you, it was year 5!!! We were 8-9! These girls thought blue eyeshadow and light pink lipstick was what made you look beautiful. It was also the time where, if you didn't wear a bra you were called a "boy" or not a "woman" yet. WE WERE 8!
I wasn't cyber-bullied (this was the time of tamagotchi's not iPhone's). It was things that they all thought were funny and just a joke but were taken way too far. They used to undo the zip on my dress. Throw things at me in class. Tell names at me at lunchtimes. I know, looking back on it now, it doesn't seem as bad as a lot of other situations in the world. But, to an 8 year old girl it was horrible and I felt like the most insignificant, unwanted person. It was dreadful. This all happened (to different extents) until I was in grade 10. So five years of my schooling life were spent being quite miserable.
I tried about 3 times to, I guess, end my life over the course of those 5 years. It was something that I just wanted to escape and I wanted to not be apart of that anymore.
It ended up that at the end of year 10 I had to move schools because of subject clashes which ended up being a complete blessing. Although I still hated myself through year 11 and 12 and wasn't really happy with some of the choices I made throughout those years I knew I was in a better situation than if I had stayed at my old school.
I feel like this post was quite casual and maybe a little unexpected but I feel like as I am gaining more readers I need to truly introduce myself to you. Looking back on the past 7 years I realise how much the experience shaped me and I didn't truly realise the impact it had on my life but it made me quite thick skinned and that's the only aspect of it that I am thankful for. It has proved to me that nothing can really break me and I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. A lot of tears were shed, of course. But I can be quite an emotional wreck sometimes and I'm okay with that. It's who I am.
I love you all.
XX
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