Single and ready to mingle; that's the quote right? The few weeks (days for some people, months for others) after coming out of a serious-ish relationship are quite difficult. I've now experienced this feeling twice. After you've been apart of a couple for such a length of time, suddenly doing things on your own seems very strange. I mean, even things like going to get groceries on my own is a very weird concept. Living completely alone, knowing that no one is coming home is another of those weird concepts. It was coming. I knew it was. I knew that one day, soon, our relationship would end. Josh and I were moving to separate cities and growing apart from each other. Those 6 months we spent together were incredible and I am thankful for getting to know Joshua over that time. I know to some people, 6 months is not a long relationship at all; our relationship was quite a short one but everything progressed quite quickly. 

We were living together very quickly, the thought of one day being married was incredibly prominent and we spent as much time together as we could. I'm not mad, or angry, or sad, or upset. It's a painful feeling, but one that can't really be expressed in words. Like, an emptiness? A sudden feeling of not being loved, or cared for, or needed anymore. Like suddenly, everything I do is followed by me questioning myself and my actions. I'm not very good at expressing emotion. It was a weird feeling, one of we knew it was happening but put it to the back of our minds and pretended everything was fine. We both knew that this was coming, we (from the very beginning) knew it would only be until one of us moved away. And that time came around, luckily, longer than first thought. Initially, we met and knew that he was moving away for his job in 2-3 months. He postponed. It wasn't until we realised that it just wasn't really working and it would be better for both of us to continue our lives, without each other, that the decision to separate became apparent. 

Don't get me wrong, that conversation was incredibly difficult (especially for one who hates confrontation), but it was a happy one at that or at least as happy as it could have been. I cried. He cried. It's hard to explain how it ended. I'm writing this blog post more for me to remember this incredible relationship that I was ever so lucky to be apart of. I'm thankful for meeting Joshua. I'm thankful we got to spend the time together that we did. I'm thankful for all of the wonderful memories. And I'm thankful for the not-so-shitty break up. I use italics for the words 'break up' because were we ever really together? We both knew the end was near, we both knew it was only a short term thing because we enjoyed each others company. It's kind of hard to explain, or at least for now it is. 

I'm not going to go into detail, but our break up sort of continued for a weekend. We had planned to spend the weekend before he moved away together in a cabin in a remote place so that we could truly enjoy each others company. Phones were used to a minimum. And we spent the entire weekend spending the last moments with each other. It's an odd concept to try and comprehend (spending an entire weekend with someone only to know that once Monday rolls around, everything between you two is over) but it just felt right. You know when you have those gut feelings that just feel like yes, this is what I should be doing and I should embrace and enjoy the situation? Well, that's how I describe both the beginning and end of Joshua and my relationship. I had an overwhelming sense of this is the right thing to do, no matter how long it's going to last emotion when the two of us began dating and the you've had a sensational roller coaster six months and I wouldn't do anything to change them sense of emotion at the end.

In saying all of this, I'm not yet ready to move on. A part of me is still waiting for him to walk through the door as if he's just been away on a business trip and he's coming back home. But then, I know he's not. I know he's gone and I know I need some time to get a grip around that thought. This is me time now, I'm not going to go rushing into another relationship for a while, I want this time for myself; time to discover who I am without being in a relationship. A chance for me to enjoy some proper alone time. 


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