conquer with coffee.

I had one of those nights last night where I just had 100,000 things running through my mind. Lists. Thoughts. Ideas. Quite a few of these thoughts were negative so I began composing a list of ideas on my phone on how to reduce the amount of negative thoughts I let into my mind.

Of late, I have been really into meditating of a morning and night. I feel that it takes the focus away from my thoughts and onto my breathing which I quite enjoy. Meditating has taught me to live for the now, not think what will happen in my future or what has happened in the past but to focus on the most important moment, now. This is followed closely by surrounding myself with positive people and staying away from people who have overly negative thoughts themselves. I find that since graduating high school I, very much so, have the option to pick and choose who I am around and I really enjoy it. I like having 5 or so really close friends that I feel really comfortable around I know that whenever I am around them any of my negative thoughts will disappear.

I was given a very good piece of advice last night from one of these friends. Basically it was along the lines of (and excuse my language) "you're going to fuck up a lot in your life and once you realise that, you then need to learn to be nice to yourself about it and accept when it happens." I did something kind of stupid yesterday and then spent the afternoon beating myself up about it. Looking back on it now, yeah it was stupid and I (for those few hours) hated myself for it and completely regretted it. After that advice (and a much needed hug) I realise that shit happens, we need to take responsibility and move past it.

The final thing I like to do when I am cluttered by negative thoughts is write down a list of 5 or so things that are positive in my life and why they make me feel happy. It seems very simple but it does the trick - I promise.

- Emma xo

(P.S. Today I was in the city, grabbing a coffee [alone, as always] and this lovely girl, Jessica, approached me and began telling me about how she reads my blog. Holy wow! This was such a surreal experience. I have never had someone approach me before telling me that they have actually read my blog!! To know that there are actually people behind the numbers and usernames is incredible.)

(P.P.S. Sorry, that sounded very vain of me but it was just a ridiculously overwhelming feeling that I needed to share with my Internet family.)

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Bullying

Okay, this is going to be another personal one. I feel like I know of need to justify myself and explain everything about my life experiences to justify why I'm who I am.

The title says it all really, I (like most people) have had an experience with bullying. This post kind of continues on from yesterday's post about confidence and is (probably) the main reason I lack confidence. From grade 5 onwards I was quite severely bullied. It wasn't for any particular reason except that I was different to everyone else. I was chubbier than everyone else, I was interested in different things and to be completely honest, it was mainly because I wasn't overly focused on my appearance. I had the worst eyebrows in history. Wasn't the smallest girl. Never wore make up. Hung around with pretty much no one. I went to school to learn, not to base everything on what I looked like. Mind you, it was year 5!!! We were 8-9! These girls thought blue eyeshadow and light pink lipstick was what made you look beautiful. It was also the time where, if you didn't wear a bra you were called a "boy" or not a "woman" yet. WE WERE 8!

I wasn't cyber-bullied (this was the time of tamagotchi's not iPhone's). It was things that they all thought were funny and just a joke but were taken way too far. They used to undo the zip on my dress. Throw things at me in class. Tell names at me at lunchtimes. I know, looking back on it now, it doesn't seem as bad as a lot of other situations in the world. But, to an 8 year old girl it was horrible and I felt like the most insignificant, unwanted person. It was dreadful. This all happened (to different extents) until I was in grade 10. So five years of my schooling life were spent being quite miserable.

I tried about 3 times to, I guess, end my life over the course of those 5 years. It was something that I just wanted to escape and I wanted to not be apart of that anymore.

It ended up that at the end of year 10 I had to move schools because of subject clashes which ended up being a complete blessing. Although I still hated myself through year 11 and 12 and wasn't really happy with some of the choices I made throughout those years I knew I was in a better situation than if I had stayed at my old school.

I feel like this post was quite casual and maybe a little unexpected but I feel like as I am gaining more readers I need to truly introduce myself to you. Looking back on the past 7 years I realise how much the experience shaped me and I didn't truly realise the impact it had on my life but it made me quite thick skinned and that's the only aspect of it that I am thankful for. It has proved to me that nothing can really break me and I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. A lot of tears were shed, of course. But I can be quite an emotional wreck sometimes and I'm okay with that. It's who I am.

I love you all.

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Confidence

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence ~ Mark Twain

I've always believed in 'fake it till you make it' when it comes to confidence.

I am absolutely rubbish at appearing confident in front of others. I'm embarrassingly shy, nervous and just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. But, I have figured out a few tricks to act confident when in these uncomfortable situations that I am all too familiar with. Find a focus point as soon as you walk into the room, make sure the point is about eye-level and is something visually appealing. I like to use this when I am lacking confidence and have used this numerous times throughout debating rounds! I find this also really helps when in a social setting because normally an introvert will look down at the ground and appear to lack confidence whereas when you are looking around at eye-level you automatically look a whole lot more confident. Taking deep breaths can also help immensely! Again, in public speaking situations I tend to be very nervous and fumble a lot (!) so I like to just take 3 -5 long, deep breaths to collect my thoughts and regain focus. Another way to fake confidence is to stand up tall. Whenever someone is slouched over they immediately draw unwanted attention to themselves and also appear to lack confidence. However, standing up tall makes it seem like you've got everything under control and are not secretly freaking out!! Finally, speaking slowly improves your (appearance of) confidence. This is my one downfall - ask my old debating coach :-( The faster you speak, the more nervous you appear and this is where I am a complete failure. I can fake the other aspects of confidence, but when it comes to speaking in front of any kind of audience I'm pretty sure I speak so fast no one understands what I'm saying :-(

Body Confidence, here's something I'm still working on. I have always (up until maybe a month ago) hated my body. Let me (try to) justify why. I totally understand that I let my body become the way it is by myself so there is no one else to blame but myself. I was always the chubby kid, everywhere I went. At school all the girls were a lot smaller than I was and I just couldn't come to accept my body. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to others and it's really not healthy to but I just couldn't help it! I tried a whole bunch of drastic things to try and change what I looked like and it began changing the way I felt. So (bringing it up again) that shitty thing happened in my life about a month back so I put all of my energy into bringing the old Emma back. I really like the old (regular) me. I feel like for the past five years I have been (to an extent) pretending to be someone else to please other people. I received a text message the night shitty thing happened from a friend and it really changed (whether it was supposed to or not) who I was/am. I reverted back to the old Emma. The happy, loving, smiling, positive Emma. I am no longer super negative and I really enjoy it. I've gone back to the Emma who is happy about who she is (look at me talking in third person). Anyway, long story short, I am in the process of gaining my self/body confidence back. I've started taking care of myself (eating right and exercising regularly again) and am slowly getting my body to where I feel most confident. It was only a month ago that I finally accepted what I looked like without make up on and allowed myself to leave the house with a bare face.

In fact, here is a photo of me today. I'm wearing 0 makeup and am wearing a bikini at the beach (for the first time in a very long time). We can all excuse the fact that clearly I don't go in the sun very often and immediately turned brown after about an hour in the sun because my body went into shock and just tanned - so bonus!!! I no longer look like Casper the ghost!

Thanks for sticking 'round 'til the end. You're the best :-)
- Emma xo

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Brain Dump

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2015 Hermit 'Bucket' List

Over the past few days I have complied a list of books, movies and television shows I would like to get through this year. I've used the term hermit in the title for this post as it is the perfect word to describe me. I'm someone who completely loves to spend time by myself, I find it oddly serene and just wonderful to spend time alone. Of course, I love spending time with friends and family it's just that occasionally (well, a little more than occasionally) my introverted self comes out.

There are still a lot of classic novels that I haven't got my hands on a read yet. The goal for 2015 is (considering I am majoring in English and I should probably read a lot of classic novels) I will read one classic book a month. I want to read about 3 books a month this year, so I will choose 2 random (maybe recommended) novels and 1 classic each month. I was gifted a Charles De Lint novel by my English Extension teacher last year and absolutely fell in love so I would love to read other novels by him. I am currently reading The Mystery of Grace by Charles De Lint and wow, just wow his writing style is incredible!! I would also like to read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou sometime before I start university. It's the ultimate classic and I have wanted to read it since about August last year but just haven't got around to it yet. Another book is Trylle: The Complete Trilogy by Amanda Hocking; it's a book recommended to me by a friend. I haven't been able to find a copy of it anywhere [ :-( ] but as soon as I do I will begin that book. I also love reading biographies and I've just finished So, Anyway by the talented John Cleese so if anyone has any books like this - let me know.

I've been really into low-budget films this past 6 or so months and I really want to start watching more. I don't exactly know what my fascination with low-budget films is but I do really enjoy the 'rawness' (is that a word) that comes through from not having A-list celebrities and millions of dollars budget. So here's my list for 2015 to get through: Submarine, White Oleander, Buffalo 66, Another Earth, Lost in Translation, Somersault, Hard Candy, Martha Marcy May Marlene, Colour, Dogtooth and The Tracey Fragment.

As for television shows this year my goal is to finish/be up to date with the shows I have already started (the O.C., Supernatural, GIRLS, Modern Family) and start other old classics. When I was in primary school I loved (the original) 90210!! I think that might be my next show to get back into.

- Emma xo

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Obvious Child

[There may be a few spoilers in this!]
Here is yet another review. Instead of being for a book this time though, I am reviewing the movie Obvious Child. Firstly, it is important you know that this movie is not a casual comedy or even romantic comedy; it makes reference to and revolves around quite adult things, is not at all for children or even young teenagers and definitely not something you watch with your parents. The movie is written and directed by Gillian Robespierre and stars Jenny Slate as the protagonist, Donna. It's about an aspiring comedian (Donna) who is in her mid twenties and uses stories from her life as the base for her comedy in a bar. These stories mainly revolve around her horrifying sex life and are quite crude (hence why parents should not be present while watching this film). Donna's long term boyfriend breaks up with her one night after her show after announcing he has cheated on her Donna spends the next few days (like any of us would) drinking away her sorrows. Donna goes out to a bar with her friend when she meets a man who she ends up having a one night stand with. This doesn't end up exactly how she planned and she is forced to face the uncomfortable reality of womanhood.

Despite this film being a low-budget comedy it has received ridiculously amazing reviews internationally. It's been named the first abortion comedy and it is just that. The approach is not overly casual it really just focuses on the behaviour of the protagonist and the whirlwind of emotions that come with facing such a challenge. The main focus/theme of the movie is the needing to grow up and accept responsibility for your actions. My favourite review is from an anonymous user on Rotten Tomatoes who says: in the future, young women in a certain kind of pickle may look to Gillian Robespierre's comedy-drama as an instructional tool for one of life's toughest dilemmas. And while I don't fully agree with ever aspect of the film (a lot of the language) I do feel as though Robespierre has touched on this topic from the perspective of any young woman.

Watch the movie and let me know what you think. I'm interested to hear other people's opinion of this film.

- Emma xo

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Thank You

As I sit at the hairdressers getting my hair dyed a little darker and cut a little shorter I've been going through some emails that I have received from lovely readers and am doing a bit of thinking about how thankful I am for anyone who reads my blog. I have been blogging all up for about 3 years now; UnorthodoxSimplicity was created in May of 2014 with a post about my Year 12 Formal. I had created a blog back in 2012 but I got overwhelmed when I realised that people had started reading it... stupid, I know. I've explained this before but, briefly, I set my old blog to private on October 10th 2013 once I realised I was getting quite a lot of hits on my blog. [I realise that this may sound a little conceited] I initially made the blog for myself and kind of my little section of the big, wide world that is the Internet for me to express myself. Little did I realise I would be found by thousands of people. This was extremely overwhelming. So I set my blog to private.

It seems stupid to think that although I wasn't really ready for other people to be reading my 'private' thoughts, I published them on the internet. It was definitely a learning curve and looking back on it now I'm kind of glad it happened.

UnorthodoxSimplicity was really born as a place to document exciting occasions and ended up being somewhere I recount a specific event, show photos of a trip, review a book or just write something that has been on my mind.

To UnorthodoxSimplicity readers,

Thank you for allowing me to express myself in such a way as to blog about it. Despite not really being confident enough yet to allow comments to be posted onto my blog (without mediation) I still read every single one of them, along with the emails I receive, and reply to every single one of them. I am in now way blog 'famous' but I like to think of myself as a friend to my faithful readers, someone who is always there when you need help and I hope over the past (almost) year I have fulfilled my goal.

Thank you for putting up with my inconsistent upload schedule and the constant changing of upload dates due to my school calendar but hopefully now that I am starting University soon I will be able to have a set schedule (except of course during hectic exam times - but I'll let you know when they occur). I understand that it is kind of annoying to not know when I am posting an entry but I am forever thankful that you come and check every couple of days to read my recent posts.

And finally, thank you for putting up with my soppy, emotional and sometimes naive posts about growing up, losing people, leaving high school etc. I know that not all of you are in the same position as I am in but I appreciate the amount of support from you all.

I am truly grateful for each and every one of you.

Here's to may more years and posts to come!

- Emma xo

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Yes Please.

Another not-so-typical post from me. I have done one or two of these before but I thought for today's post I would upload somewhat of a book review; this is a review of Amy Poehler's recent release Yes Please. I stumbled across this book in December 2014 and had heard great reviews about not only the book but the way in which the book was presented in audio form. I have been a fan of Tina Fey's for about 4 years now and once I realised Amy Poehler was one of her best friends I became obsessed in Amy's work as well.

Here is the synopsis, given by goodreads.com:

"We’d get to hang out with Amy Poehler, watching dumb movies, listening to music, and swapping tales about our coworkers and difficult childhoods. Because in a perfect world, we’d all be friends with Amy — someone who seems so fun, is full of interesting stories, tells great jokes, and offers plenty of advice and wisdom (the useful kind, not the annoying kind you didn’t ask for, anyway). Unfortunately, between her Golden Globe-winning role on Parks and Recreation, work as a producer and director, place as one of the most beloved SNL alumni and cofounder of the Upright Citizens Brigade, involvement with the website Smart Girls at the Party, frequent turns as acting double for Meryl Streep, and her other gig as the mom of two young sons, she’s not available for movie night.

Luckily, we have the next best thing: Yes Please, Amy’s hilarious and candid book. A collection of stories, thoughts, ideas, lists, and haiku from the mind of one of our most beloved entertainers, Yes Please offers Amy’s thoughts on everything from her “too safe” childhood outside of Boston to her early days in New York City, her ideas about Hollywood and “the biz,” the demon that looks back at all of us in the mirror, and her joy at being told she has a “face for wigs.” Yes Please is a chock-full of words and wisdom to live by."

Throughout moments of the book there are definitely aspects that I can relate to; she mentions her struggles with not only finding time to write but finding motivation - I've never agreed with anything more!! She spends countless pages describing how difficult it is to write a book and how most writers talk about how they wrote their books with ease, in a bar and were calm and relaxed the entire time. When in reality, the initial idea takes ages to come to mind, it's mostly written extremely late at night in bed and is one of the most stressful experiences.

The chapters follow her life from when she established the Upright Citizen's Brigade improv group to her current struggles through her divorce to Will Arnett and the friends she has made in between, but nevertheless remains humorous throughout.

The audio book is hilarious! It's not only read by Amy Poehler, there are guest appearances from her parents and other various celebrities. I don't really want to give anything away because it is quite a funny read and the spontaneity is what makes it so humorous. But just trust me when I say, it's something you must read (or listen to) ASAP. [The audiobook is on YouTube so you can listen to it for free BONUS!!!!!]

- Emma xo

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What being OCD means for me

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's an anxiety disorder with the characterisation of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that lead to apprehensiveness, fear, worry etc. It's repetitive behaviours, obsessions or compulsions. It's something a lot of people joke about, I am one of those people. But to be completely honest it is a terrible disorder. I was diagnosed with the disorder a few years ago. I was told (and I quote) the symptoms from OCD are time-consuming, can result in the loss of relationships with others and can cause severe emotional distress. I was about 14 at the time and this to me meant that, I would be spending a lot of my time doing these pointless tasks, may lose some friends over it and may think about it all the time. I didn't understand what it truly meant. When they test you for this disorder they test three different aspects: psychological, biological and neurological to see which has an abnormality. (Last year, after doing research for school on things like psychoanalytics it was easy for me to see where I was getting these OCD attributes from.) Trusty old Wikipedia says that: these obsessions are thoughts that recur and persist despite efforts to ignore or confront them. People with OCD frequently perform tasks, or compulsions, to seek relief from obsession-related anxiety.

There are about 17 "main categories" under the term Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I fit about 8 of them but I don't feel super comfortable explaining how I fit into all 8 categories so I'll just mention a few. I check behaviour constantly; this means I check five, six or even twenty times to make sure things are turned off and doors are locked. Apparently it affects about 30% of people with OCD and it is apparently attached to a fear of being hurt. Another aspect I relate to is counting; a lot of the tasks I complete during the day are according to a certain numeric pattern. I must eat in even numbers, I count every step I take even when in conversation or doing something else at the same time. The next is organisation; this is where everything needs to be symmetrical, everything has a place and unless being used, everything must stay in that place.

For me, this means that when I do certain everyday tasks I am hindered by my overpowering OCD characteristics. It sucks. I count every step I take. If I don't eat in even numbers I get anxious. On the clothes line, every peg must be the same colour. I check to see if the doors are locked 6 times. When I'm nervous I tap my foot 8 times each. It sucks.

I'm not telling you these things because I'm saying oh look at me! Poor me! I'm telling you because, people make fun and joke at OCD characteristics (I am one of them). I honestly don't mind people making fun of it. I just want people to know how serious it is. It affects the everyday normal tasks you do.

So, uh, I don't really know how to end this now. Bye?? :-)

- Emma xo

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