As I write this I am, according to the Countdown App, I am 2 days 2 hours away from Graduation and 2 days 16 hours away from doing the Walk of Honour (I'll explain later). Not to mention it is 3 days 18 hours until I hop on a plane to Singapore! The title of this blog post is simple, just one more time; that is, just one more time you have to read a post of mine about how excited and nervous I am to finish and graduate high school. I can see how, for most of you, these posts would be quite monotonous but the reasoning behind it is that, I want something to look back on a reminisce on my high school experience. Anyway, I can't even begin to imagine myself in the "real" world. Shit. I haven't given myself time to ponder over the thought that I am going to have to be able to complete basic adult things: cook, clean, wash clothes, pay bills. Fuck. On top of this I have to be independent: wake up without my mum hounding me, go grocery shopping, attend university lectures on time. Double fuck. If you know me at all, you know that I am just one big procrastinator - I don't think I've ever been able to start something when I needed to and it always ends up being a mad rush at the end to make sure I have something done. We are constantly told at high school that once you go off to university no one hassles you for a draft or reminds you when an assignment is due. This frightens me a lot. Back to Walk of Honour, it's this celebration that my school has termed whereby the grade 12s walk through an aisle made of students from prep through grade 11 and teachers and parents who clap as you walk through them; this is when the final goodbyes happen and trust me I am going to be one hot mess. Following this guard of students and teachers the grade 12s jump into the lake in our school and celebrate the end. Once this is done and we've all said goodbye to the other grades and  teachers we all drive down to the beach where we meet others schools and all jump into the ocean in our school uniforms. I'm not really sure how this started but whatever, it's a tradition!

This last week of school has been such an emotional roller coaster. Happy and excited one moment, sad and distraught the next. It was the end of all structured classes so everyone got emotional, we took our class photo and in some classes we exchanged small, meaningful messages/gifts. In English class, our teacher hand selected a Mr Men/Little Miss books for each of us (suited to our personality) along with a little card. In English Extension, we received a book suited to our personality/what we would be interested in along with a very emotional and heart warming note from our teacher; this gift will no doubt be cherished by each member of our very small class as the personal touch brought tears to all of us. And finally, in Drama we spent weeks writing notes to each person in the class and in our final class we opened our "Warm Fuzzy Bag" which had a note from all year 12 drama students plus our teacher. We all sat around together reading our notes whilst playing emotional music; this was one of the most personal moments I've experienced and caused quite a few tears throughout our class. [I feel like my tired state did none of that justice but, imagine it :) ]

I just want to take this, somewhat, personal platform to thank every single person in the 2014 cohort at the school I attend. Thank you for being the kindest and funniest group of people I've ever met. Thank you for being a cohort of people that are completely loving and loveable. And most importantly :), thank you all for knowing how to party.

Nonetheless it's thrilling to know that once I've left the four walls, or gates, of high school I can fully become myself - I can mature into the person I've been waiting to be.

- Emma xo

I am graduating high school in about 4 weeks, I think… wow!!! That's close. I am about to finally about to finish high school. I have been counting down to this day since I was in Year 8 watching the Year 12's graduate and thinking how far away it was! 

Of course, this is the one of the most exciting moments in my teenage life as I finally get to leave a place that can only be descried as a deserted island, except the deserted island I went to has free wi-fi, air conditioning, some great food and people, great people. What I'm trying to say is that being a high school student, despite being a teenager and thinking you know everything, isn't the "real world"; you're not forced to pay rent, grocery, electricity and water bills, you live with your family and therefore are not fully independent. Up until about a month or so ago, I liked this life. But, with the end of school in sight I've never been more exciting to take up new opportunities and leave the life I've grown up with. Honestly, I'm stressed about graduating. From whenever they begin to ask you at school what you wanted to be when you were older until mid-way through Year 11 (2013) I always answered with lawyer. It wasn't until I began working at a law firm that I began to realise it just wasn't my thing and I needed to find something that I was truly passionate about. And that's where studying Secondary Education: English comes into it. I receive so many negative comments from peers regarding this area of study and the constant high school kids are obnoxious and hard to teach stories from people WHO ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL! 

This wasn't really supposed to be the purpose of this post, the purpose was because I need a place to vent all of my stresses. 

1. I have an English Current Affairs Proposal assignment due - relating to the portrayal of gender throughout mass media in our current society
2. A Geography Social Environments assignment due - where we think would be most suitable around our school to put up covered pathways (I honestly, have no clue!!) 
3. A Drama Wuthering Heights responding assignment due - we all went and saw the QPAC (Queensland Performing Arts Centre) version of Wuthering Heights and we have to analyse Heathcliff as if he were auditioning for us live 
4. A Maths exam about mortgages and bank loans etc. - which I'm actually kind of okay at
5. I have to meet a deadline for writing my book - that deadline is less than a month away and with all the stuff above, plus graduation, travelling and just regular life this is going to be difficult 

On the bright side, Wednesday night saw our debating team win the Grand Finals for our region. There were so many emotions and high stress levels throughout the day and into the night but it finally paid off and all the hard work we've put in throughout the past 8 months or so finally showed us that we can actually achieve well if we put our minds to it, stick to the task and turn up the sass. 

I'm going to end this with possibly my two all time favourite quotes: 

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." - John Lennon

"Sometime you will never know the value of something, until it becomes a memory." - Dr. Seuss 

- Emma xo 

I've spent the past week or so trying to find some kind of inspiration or something to write a blog post on. No luck. Literally nothing. And I'm not here telling you that I have a lot of things to say now, I still have nothing and it's about 12hours after I typed that first sentence.

Basically, the point of this little "update" is to tell you that there's some great opportunities that I've been thrown in the past few weeks. (It's been another 10 hours and still am just up to here). Nothing major, just finalising living arrangements for University next year, getting excited about graduating high school, (somehow) making it through to the debating grand finals and some exciting news about my writing.

All in all, this is just a little I'm still here, I'm just taking a couple of week break to catch up on life post. 

How about I work on a post for Wednesday??

- Emma xo

Yup, you read correctly. Today was the last first day of term at high school for me EVER!!! (As a student at least). I just wanted to personally recount on today as it ended with me having a slight panic attack and I couldn't tell, but all day today I had received secret signs from my body to tell me that I was going to have one soon. 

I had English Extension class this morning so I was up early and at school at 7.30am. This seemed to go quite normally, apart from the fact that we were all entirely hyped up on what seemed to be insanity (due to the content of the subject). Had the normal, long and tedious assembly. Then off to the first two periods of the day, drama and maths; both went quite normally. It's when it came to morning tea that I began to feel "off"; I began feeling really hot, drinking loads and loads of water and quite faint. However, none of my friends could feel this "heat"; this is usually my body's way of telling me that I need to lay down and relax for 15-20 minutes but being at school, this wasn't possible. So, I continued feeling this way through periods 3 and 4 and when it came to lunch time I was quite the opposite, I was feeling really, really cold. So I took a few moments to myself and just kept going through the day. It got to the end of school, I took my friend Charlotte home and then on my way home I had to pull over because once again, I was feeling faint. I finally felt like I was fine after about 15 minutes and once I got home I drank a ton of water and had about a half an hour nap but woke up feeling out of breath anxious. Again, I'm not the best at explaining this but it felt (although I was completely alone) like I was surrounded like a bunch of people that were crowding around me and weren't letting me get free. It's nothing threatening it's just a horrendous feeling.

These things usually happen when something stresses me out and I think at the moment the fear of leaving the place (school) that I've been restricted to for the past 12 years of my life and being "released" into the real world on top of everything that comes along with that (finding a place to live, a university to go to, a job etc.) I feel a little out of my depth.

There was absolutely no purpose to this post really; just something I need to get off my chest and I don't feel like there are many people around me that I can talk to about it.

- Emma xo

Okay, so I'm not very open in day-to-day life about my personal issues/life. (I also realise that I start every post with either 'Okay' or 'So'… I need to find a new opening) I have silently lived (I initially wrote suffered, but I'm not really suffering, more just learning to live) with mild asthma since I was about 10 years old which has lead to small panic attacks after fearing I couldn't breath anymore; occasionally, it's these panic attacks that lead to an asthma attack.

Recently, a lot of bloggers have been talking about their suffering with panic attacks and how the majority of society ignores it and doesn't understand the true impact a panic attack can have on somebody. Personally, a panic attack for me starts when I am in an uncomfortable situation/environment; usually something to do with stress or discomfort. I have had quite a few attacks this year since I have been struggling through year 12 however, it only really occurs during intense study/assignment sessions or when I have to think about finishing high school, moving out of home and moving to the city that these have been occurring. A panic attack usually results in me losing my breath, uncontrollably crying and feeling a tight, restricting pain in my chest. The best way to describe it to someone who has never experienced a panic attack before (which, apparently you don't have to have them regularly, some people have one panic attack in their lives) is, it's like someone is hugging you very, very tightly and you can no longer breath. As I said, it then makes me cry and you know when you cry you begin to hyperventilate, yeah… so that doesn't help!

There was really no point to this short post other than to just express my experience with panic attacks and asthma.

- Emma xo

I honestly can't think of a title for this post, so 'Innominate' it is; in fact, I don't even know what I want to write about, I just know that I want to write something, anything. As I come to the end of what will be my final school holidays of Year 12 I've been thinking today about my time over the past two weeks; I realise that I spent most of the holidays either with very close friends or by myself (which honestly, I love!). I've spent a lot of these holidays reflecting on the little amount of time left I have in this place that I always thought was somewhat of a prison but now that my time there is coming to an end I can't even imagine the state I'm going to be in when the next 7 weeks are up. Despite having only started at my current school in the beginning of 2013 I feel like I have met quite a few people that have completely changed my life and my outlook, I've spoken about this briefly before. I honestly haven't seen many people who I go to school with over the holidays and have spent the majority of my time with the two girls that I've known for the past 13-15 years, which seems absolutely crazy that I can say that I've known someone for that long considering I'm only 17!!

I don't really feel comfortable yet going into full details about what I have gone through in the past 10-11 months but it hasn't been great. I'm not saying this to get sympathy messages or anything like that, purely to explain myself. In December last year my grandfather passed away, it was somewhat expected as he experienced a stroke and wasn't very mobile but considering I had never lost someone so close to me before it was difficult and I still haven't had the opportunity to truly let it sink in and cry about it yet. I had always been that child at school who had all four of my grandparents and suddenly, one was gone. I remember my mum getting a call from the hospital a few days before he passed away telling us we urgently had to take the six hour trip up to see him because he didn't have much time left; we immediately dropped everything and drove straight up. I remember more clearly getting woken up at 3am to be told that he was gone and having to drive to my grandmother to tell her, who in her fragile state completely broke down and cried into my arms. I forgot to mention that on my mum's side of the family, I'm the only grandchild. The funeral was horrific, I'd never been to one before. Not to mention he passed away exactly one week before Christmas and just over one week before I was to leave my family and fly to the United States. The next few months we took that six hour drive quite frequently, until one day another phone call. ***Writing this is probably the first time I've ever vocalised (or written) my feelings toward this and my eyes are basically a running tap right now*** I woke up on the Sunday before my school formal to be told by my dad the gut wrenching news that my grandmother (Nanna) had passed away. This was honestly that hardest day of my life. Being the only grandchild, I have always had a very special bond with my grandmother and her passing was completely out of the blue and unexpected. She woke up, told the nurse that "Doug (her husband, my grandfather) missed [her]" and fell back to "sleep". I never got to say goodbye. The last thing I said to her was "I love you Nanna and I will see you in 2 weeks", she told me to have fun at my formal, we took a selfie on my disposable camera, highfived (which was a thing we have done since I was two or three years old) and then I left. I never got to say goodbye. I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandmother, the woman I admired so much, the woman I loved so much.

On a lighter note, I've spent some days of the holidays packing up my belongings getting ready to move out at the end of November. I've never been responsible for packing my own things before so I've been having to pack things into boxes, label to boxes and remember where I put the boxes so I don't lose my stuff (which, it's bound to happen but I'm going to try and avoid it). I've also, as mentioned before, been thinking about how important the next few months are. In 7 weeks I will be done with high school forever. I won't have to see certain people ever again and it will be my friends and I responsibility to keep in contact and see each other regularly (considering I will be spending a lot of November-Febuary overseas and travelling this could be difficult). So let's bring on the minimal assessments and maximum enjoyment of the next few months!!


I promise I will try and have some sort of regular blogging schedule soon.

- Emma xo

I've been asked, surprisingly, by quite a few readers to upload one of my assignments for English Extension onto my blog so they can read the wonders of the subject. I am currently in the middle of an assignment I like to call "My Pathetic Attempt at a psychoanalytic and archetypal approach of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"; and yes, it's just that. I'm currently in the drafting process (which is me sending hundreds of drafts to my teacher in the hope that she will tell me I'm on the right track and this is actually going somewhere) and I thought I would upload what I have written so far. But first, some background into the assessment - the task is basically, choose a text (or two) and apply whatever theories you can to construct a somewhat appealing 2500-3000 word assignment. I initially wanted to delve into the intriguing, yet horrific details (something like this), of the novel and author but was told to tone it down as panel (the people who basically cross check the assignment) would think I am totally, and utterly bonkers (which I am J). So, instead I have taken a few approaches; psychoanalytic, archetypal and feminist are the main ones.

I've had this bucket list for the past 3 or so years and it's just continually being updated, either I check something off or I add more things to it. I have a "superficial" list and a "sentimental" list, I thought I might share some of my "superficial" list with you guys, I'm not going to add every single thing because we could be here for quite a long time and I also would prefer to keep my "sentimental" list to myself. So here are 25 things from that list:

1. Throw an ugly Christmas sweater party
2. Travel around Europe (soon going to be checked off)
3. Go Skydiving (check)
4. Meet Benedict Cumberbatch (isn't he dreamy…) 
5. Go Ziplining (check) 
6. Run the Colour Run (check… well I walked some of it, but you get the gist) 
7. Stargaze (check)
8. Play hide and seek in Ikea 
9. Go on a road trip around Australia and America
10. See the Northern Lights
11. Have a walk-in closet 
12. Write a novel (in the process)
13. Graduate high school (check)
14. Graduate college
15. Go to a drive-in movie (check) 
16. Have my birthday in Las Vegas 
17. Wear a beautiful wedding dress
18. Become a mother
19. Build a GIGANTIC blanket fort 
20. Get a meaningful tattoo 
21. Put a piece of gum on the gum wall in Seattle (check) 
22. Write a secret message in a balloon and let it go 
23. Write a letter to my future self (check)
24. Write in a diary everyday for an entire year 
25. Ride a segway (check) 
26. Swim under the stars (check)

As I am sat in my bed with a banana smoothie in a mason jar (because apparently I'm one of those people know), my fairy lights on and a playlist that I've been just adoring at 10 o'clock on a Saturday morning with no plans or ideas for the rest of the day (except maybe a few hours watching YouTube videos and playing the Sims) I thought it may be a good idea to reflect on the crazy and hectic week I have had. 

Last Friday (September 5th) I was in the midst of a school basketball game when I heard about 5 or 6 crack noises coming from my ankle; I thought they were just my ankle cracking into place because it does that every now and then, so I continued playing. It wasn't until I got in the car and drove a friend home that I realised my foot was very rapidly swelling, so I left her house and drove (for what seemed like a million hours, but in reality was only about 30 minutes) home to realise that it had swelled even further than half an hour ago. Keep in mind that by the time I arrived home it was around 9.30pm at night so there were no doctors open and I really just wanted to take pain killers, go to bed and assess the situation in the morning. Once I had woken up it had begun to bruise and was even more swollen so I knew I had to go immediately to the doctors. Long story short, I have had basic physio, ultrasounds and x-rays and come to the conclusion that I have done "Stage Three" damage, which is the worst and requires surgery to sew the ligaments back together in my foot as I have completely torn through them all! 

Friday 5 Septmber

Monday 8 September

Thursday 11 September

Aside from that, I had one day of actual school on Monday and then went into Exam Block for the rest of the week (until next Tuesday). My only exams are English (which was last Tuesday) and Maths (which was last Wednesday), so now I am exam free and have had the opportunity to stop, relax and do some serious thinking. It has only just hit me that I only have one (very, very short) term left of school to go and then it's out into the big, wide world and it's time for me to look after myself, no one running after me anymore; and that's terrifying!! Like what am I going to do?? I don't know how to cook! Or clean!! Or entertain guests when people want to come over for drinks and dinner!! I can already tell that being an adult is going to suck!! However, I do have the ability to play ridiculously loud music, watch Disney films whenever I want and eat whatever I want, whenever I want which are all bonuses. 

On top of all of this, I'm also in the process of organising to write a novel… I'm not sure what kind of novel, on what topic or anything but it's just something I've wanted to do for myself and say that I was able to write a novel. Of course, I know it's never going to get published and I don't particularly want it to either but I just want to cross it off my bucket list.

Hopefully the next few weeks are a little less intense.

- Emma xo

Ah, gosh. QCS; the most hated acronym in a Queensland Year 12 student's vocabulary right now!!! (For those who don't know, the Queensland Core Skills test is a test done at the exact same time on the exact same days [yes, there are two days of this horrible thing] and I don't know exactly but something about how it determines your ranking in your grade and then compared to the state and then somehow that data gets put into a score from 1-25 [1 being the best and almost impossible] and that determines the courses you can apply for at University.)  These are four, 1.5 - 2hour exams on Tuesday 2nd of September and Wednesday 3rd of September that are almost impossible to study for because they test up to grade 10 knowledge… gahhhhh…

I am literally the queen of procrastinating, so the exams begin tomorrow and I've spent the past 4 and a half hours playing The Sims 3 and listening to music and now I'm writing a blog post while replying to all your lovely emails and watching pointless YouTube videos. It's known that I would do almost anything to not have to do work, although when I begin studying or sitting down to work on an assignment I get totally engrossed and could spend hours and hours doing so, I just don't have the mental capacity to start that process (one Sunday about a month ago I went to the movies 4 times in that day just so I didn't have to study for my English exam that was 3 days later.)

Anyhow, I've actually surprised myself this term and I've only cried twice (I was expecting to cry over stupid assignments and exams almost everyday like most kids in my grade are). The first was a few weeks ago while I was at home, on a Saturday, planning and drafting my Geography assignment. I was about 1000 words into this assignment and I really wanted a sandwich, so I walked down stairs to make this sandwich (I prepared all my salad ingredients) only to find we were out of bread. So there was poor Emma, feeling so sorry for myself because I was having a first world problem where I had ran out of bread :( The second was yesterday, and again, another first world problem. I was researching The Sims 4 game and was really excited to pre-order it online, when I found out it is only being released, at this stage, for PC… NOT MAC!!! I'm not sure if I'm just not letting myself cry over my school work which is then all building up to pathetic things like no bread or The Sims 4, or this is how pathetic my year 12 life has become.

Anyway, on the bright side I only have 5 school days left for this term (QCS for the next two days, exam block next week and then holidays) and then I only have 5-6 weeks next term!

Bring on graduation!!!!

- Emma xo